Depression & Anxiety
As an introduction to Maylong 2017's topic of depression, the FVYPL reps hosted a Ring Kring that featured a ted talk on depression, and a few young people shared their experiences with anxiety as well. What follows is what one anonymous young person wrote and a rep read out loud during Ring Kring, and the link below is the ted talk - "What They Don't Tell You About Mental Illness" by Elizabeth Medina.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieXB-BGxYwg
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Anxiety is never something I thought I’d have to deal with. But there I was, sitting in the doctor’s office, filling out a form that asked me to rate my feelings on a scale of 1 to 4. Am I able to sleep? Am I able to relax? Do I worry about things completely out of my control? When someone snaps at me, do I spend the rest of the day thinking about it? How tense are my muscles? I filled in the boxes, got told I had severe anxiety, and my world shifted.
Anxiety isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a gradual change in your mind, as your brain’s chemicals slowly become more and more imbalanced. Things happen, you change, your brain adjusts. Not always for the better. My brain shifted into fight or flight mode, constantly. 24/7, I am on alert. I worry about everything, obsessively. Did what I say make this person angry? Are they going to tell their friends? Or those friends going to tell their friends? What if I get fired? What if no one ever re-hires me? What if, what if, what if.
Anxiety is so much more than biting your nails or being unable to breathe properly when panic sets in so strong, your whole body basically shuts down. It’s an everyday thing. Anxiety is the restless nights of sleep, because your brain never really shuts off. It’s the thoughts you think before bedtime, and all of your worst fears becoming realities right before your eyes, awake and in dreams. It’s waking up tired, even though your day just started.
It’s every text you wonder ‘did I word this right?’ It’s a double or triple text in case you messed up. It’s taking back what you said, even if you meant it, because you worry that person will leave you. Anxiety is answering texts back embarrassingly fast. Anxiety is the time you spend waiting for an answer, while every possible scenario plays out in your mind about what they could be thinking or feeling. Anxiety is an unanswered text that kills you inside, even though you try to convince yourself that they were just busy. Anxiety is the critical voice that you can’t stop hearing that tells you that no, they hate you and are deliberately ignoring you. It’s believing every negative scenario you ca come up with.
Anxiety is inaccurate conclusions drawn as your mind takes off in a thousand different directions, and you have no choice but to follow its destructive lead. Anxiety is apologizing for things that don’t need the word sorry. Anxiety is major self-doubt in yourself, and in those around you.
Anxiety is being hyper-aware of everyone and everything, so much so that you can tell if there’s a shift in someone based on their tone of voice and body language. Anxiety is a constant state of worry and panic and being on edge. It’s worrying about things that are ten years in the future, it’s obsessing over things that you did five years ago. It’s recognizing that you can’t control either of those things, but being unable to let them go.
Anxiety is sweaty palms, a racing heart, a dry mouth, but no one can tell from the outside. Anxiety is the art of deception for people who don’t know you. And for those you do, it’s a constant stream of ‘just relax’ or ’you’re overreacting’ or ‘you realize that you’re being totally irrational, right?’
It’s friends who listen to the conclusions you’ve drawn, and maybe they don’t understand. But it’s the friends who listen, and try to support and love you that make the most difference. We don’t need mind-blowing, change our lives kind of advice. We need texts that say ‘how you been?’ we need people that care and encourage and say ‘we’re there for you.’ Friends who encourage us to get help that we need.
I wouldn’t have sat in that doctor’s office, if a friend sitting across from me in Tim Hortons listened to me open up and told me to get help. I would have just kept pretending that everything was fine, while meanwhile I was certain that I was going crazy.
Because anxiety was wanting to fix things that weren’t even problems yet. It’s the stream of questions that make you doubt yourself: did I lock the door? did I turn off the stove? Did I leave the straightener on?
Anxiety is turning around just to double check.
Anxiety is many different things to many different people. Anxiety is not a one size fits all. Mental illness is not a one size fits all. It’s different for everyone. All people are different. All brains are different. And that’s okay.
The brain is an organ. It is a part of your body. And just like any other part of you, it can get sick.